Memory Lane.

I'm sitting here, listening to Christmas music. It's snowing outside and my parents are both keeping busy with various things. I'm trying to get used to being alone, because we need to be happy alone before we can really make anyone else happy for a long term period of time. I am very aware that I've struggled in this department for years. I would bend over backwards to keep the people around me smiling and happy, I would love on people to the best of my ability, but I did so (unknowingly at the time) because I was trying to make their happiness rub off on me. It was a full time job being an emotional super hero, and I thought I loved it, but then I had a "snap."

Call it a moment of clarity, where I realized what I'd been doing. But I didn't know where to go from there, I just knew I had to fix me, and everything else had to wait. So that's what I did. I ended my relationship, cut my ties to Kentucky, told my parents I was moving back, and enrolled in university for political science international affairs. I had to believe that it would be better for everyone else in the long run.

So I moved, and I'm in Illinois, and it's been really hard because I loved everyone that I left. I physically left them but I still tried to be there emotionally, which hurt when I failed. It's the reality of my situation, that even if I am helping myself, that I'm going to make others suffer. There's no free lunch. I really wish I could though, and knowing that I have to choose is troubling me greatly. It's a choice I make a lot, whether or not to call, whether or not to visit. It's hard because if I keep that dependency alive I'll hurt them again and again. I don't want that, but I feel like I need them.

It's a troubling quandary I have myself in, and I'm afraid it will get worse before it gets better.