Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Christmas, Politics, and International Relations (2010)

International Relations and political correctness has reached a point where it affects almost every facet of our lives. As the holidays approach, we all struggle with how to be politically correct in our celebrations. With the influx of political correctness in international relations, states have progressed to the point that the end result is a very non-descriptive, boring culture. In our attempts to be non-offensive, we have become inaccurate in our communication. Around the holidays we are so concerned about being inappropriate that we offer no greeting or good wishes at all. Our good intentions result in bad perceptions. Most of us would rather be perceived as good intentioned and politically incorrect than simply indifferent.

Why do we go through all of this trouble? Santa Claus. Critics might wonder how Santa would have anything to do with international relations, or the political realm. But when analytically looking into the Santa Claus persona, one can find example of almost every type of international and political incorrectness possible. From a realist perspective, he has the ultimate hegemony. There is nobody who can compare, and no one has tried to. From a liberal perspective, Santa needs some work with the help of groups and institutions. From an identity approach the world must become like Santa, or Santa needs to change his ways to incorporate the world equally. 

So, looking a little deeper into Santa and what he’s about, the first thing that comes to mind is his list. Like Herbert Hoover and the F.B.I., Santa Claus keeps a list of everyone who has been acting in accordance with his wishes, assuming he knows the difference between bad and good. How does he keep tabs on behavior? He is a peeping tom, and he breaks into houses at night. If states had a list that they checked twice to determine whether other diplomats were being good or bad international relations would combust.

Imagine press releases from Obama’s chancellor, “We are unable to release the contents of the list because its release could harm international relations; as well as the study of the relations among states and other political and economic units in the international system. Particular areas of study within the field of international relations include diplomacy and diplomatic history, including international law, The Chancellor's officials fear any omissions of world leaders. The list would be able to deduce things from that. And it was felt that the disclosure was not in the public interest. The possible harm to international relations outweighed public interest of disclosing the list.” The “list game” involves states joining an alliance and going into war. It is mostly played by players from Israel, China, USA, Britain, Brazil and Saudi-Arabia., senior diplomats and Obama’s personal contacts could be seen as a snub and may cause offense if the list is published. Can you imagine what that would do worldwide? From a realist perspective, this is great, a good source of power if you are Santa, of course. Liberals would likely create an institution calling for the release of names on the list, and Identity perspectives would revolt at the lack of communication happening between states that held lists over one another’s heads.

Liberal would approach the development in guidelines for gift giving with the implementation of institutions. Santa‘s “he sees you when you’re sleeping; he knows when you’re awake,” method of checking up on people has got to stop. The Patriot Act didn’t even go that far. Claus’s surveillance extends way beyond what any state’s privacy laws allow:  plus, it’s creepy. Determination of who’s been naughty or nice will no longer involve his watching people at all hours anymore, there will be a democratic voting system set up with NGO’s in various locations around the world.  In terms of wish lists, Santa will encourage emails instead of letters from now on to minimize paper waste. 

From an identity approach, Santa’s consistent trespassing violations need to be addressed for the safety of people all over the world. Well-intentioned or not, you can’t just enter people’s houses unannounced. Even most landlords have to give twenty-four-hour notice before coming to their tenants’ doors. From now on, he’s got to get written consent before he sets foot in any one of the billion homes he plans to visit this Christmas Eve. Also, the house hit list must begin to extend beyond homes that celebrate Christmas only, because Santa is an equal-opportunity gift giver, regardless of religion. 

Santa will now have to include the celebration of Chanukah, and other religious celebrations. As Santa will not be able to run everything by himself, he will likely have to hire helpers who will have to be screened. When the media finds out about this, Chanukah will become a mainstream holiday, so all employees must undergo government required training (Liberal approach) so that they will not fall victim toSemitic Phlegm Syndrome (SPS): The inability to make the guttural, Hebraic 'ch' sound when pronouncing the word Chanukah. SPS sufferers become paralyzed with fear that a passing remark about Chanukah will cause them to choke and hyperventilate uncontrollably. Not to mention at the dinner table when they mistakenly launch throat projectiles into the mashed potatoes. Sufferers typically isolate themselves from family members during spontaneous 'round-the-piano sing-a-longs, particularly during the number "(C)happy (C)holidays."

In response to fair trade, an identity approach would require an extreme makeover for Santa’s elf sweatshop. Santa exploit’s the vertically challenged, forcing elves into non-union labor conditions similar to that of third world countries. No longer should these little people be subjected to unfair work conditions and forced to work day and night under Mr. Kringle’s judgmental stare. Starting this season, elves will work eight-hour days with allotted one-hour lunches and two fifteen-minute breaks. They’ll have health care benefits, as constant toy making often leads to carpal tunnel syndrome, and the ability to unionize. Vacation and sick days can be taken any time of year, not just directly after the holidays, and with the help of a newly appointed human resources director to promote diversity, Santa’s workshop will extend jobs to tall people as well. 

The problems from this, a realist would interject, is that tall people have bigger hands and are needed in other areas of business just as they have always been. Liberals would say to allow tall people who want the jobs to have the opportunity, but to be prepared for sufferers of Calendar Countdown Condition (CCC): An unyielding obsession with how many shopping days are left until Christmas. Constantly reaching for PDAs and notepads, CCC sufferers feel a pressing need to absorb and retain a daunting litany of time zones, store hours and driving mileage in support of their making deadlines obsession. "It's amazing," notes John Smitty, head of the research team for CCC. "Some of these people can't even balance their checkbooks. But can they number-crunch the time it should take to put together a bicycle down to the millisecond." Another research panel would be on site to treat workers for OCD-AAA: A variation on obsessive compulsive disorder, in which sufferers are constantly on the verge of panic for fear that they forgot to put triple-A batteries in children’s Game Boys and other electronic equipment.

An identity follower’s next line of action would be to assure that Mrs. Claus gets equal partnership in the North Pole. Mr. Claus is happy to have Mrs. Claus isolated at home, bogged down in patriarchal oppression, never fulfilling her true potential. Does Mrs. Claus even have a first name? In modern society that must come to an end. Kris Kringle gets all the glory every Christmas, but what about the rest of the year? Are kids to believe he runs the workshop all by his lonesome? Behind every great man is a great woman, and it’s time she got a voice. The new Mrs. Claus will own 50 percent of the North Pole’s business and lay claim to at least half of Santa’s assets should they ever part ways. Oh, and she’ll get a first name, too. 

A high priority for a liberal would be to comply with PETA standards. PETA has been on Santa’s case for years because of his fur-lined coats, leather boots, and use of reindeer to cart him around the world. Rather than waiting for him to get splattered in red paint or for rabid animal-rights activists wearing deer suits to invade the North Pole, a liberal would need to make sure Santa trades in all that fur and leather for faux fur and pleather. As for the reindeer, Santa can’t bring presents to boys and girls worldwide without them. But he can give Rudolph and the rest of the herd breaks throughout the night and feed them organic apples and grass. 

Identity would suggest, but not demand, that Santa go on a diet and kick his pipe smoking habit for the children’s sake. With child obesity rates soaring, today’s Santa shouldn’t be sending the message that a belly shaking like a bowl full of jelly is okay, or that drug paraphernalia is cool. Apparently unaware of good nutrition and the need for an exercise regimen, he’s overweight and has rosy cheeks (the sign of an alcohol problem or hypertension), and despite smoking bans everywhere, he puffs away on his pipe. That means no more late-night snacks consisting of cookies and milk. Santa keeps his BMI in the healthy range with Greek yogurt and fruit instead. From now on, Santa’s right-hand companion will be a recycled bottle filled with filtered tap water.  

A realist would say that the next thing to look at is the arrest all Santa impersonators. People are thrown in jail for committing fraud on a daily basis, why should a mall Santa be any different? An Identity follower would counter that if there was ever a way to kill holiday spirit, it would be the mass arrest of Santas all over the world. Liberals would want to set up work groups to help Santas find other means of income, and Identity approach would also look at the affect it would have on citizens of different states. Coming up with new disorders like “Ho-Ho-Phobia (HHP)” A profound fear of rotund, bearded men in red suits and black boots. Picture commercial breaks during a football game: “Do you feel anxious when you see pictures of Santa? Do cranky little men in green outfits leave you unsettled? Ho-Ho Phobia (HHP) outbreaks usually take place beginning in late November.” This would cause severe disruption in families who use Santa’s coming as a tool of parental control. This might lead some wondering if election day, or Christmas Eve bring more terror to the people?

But there is the flip side, from an identity perspective. He is an active person who defies stereotypes. He has come to terms with his own body image. He gives without expecting anything in return. He conserves energy, driving a non-gasoline-powered vehicle. He doesn't require government funding. And, best of all, he gives without regard to race, creed, color or national origin. 

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