Friday, December 24, 2010

Memory Lane.

I'm sitting here, listening to Christmas music. It's snowing outside and my parents are both keeping busy with various things. I'm trying to get used to being alone, because we need to be happy alone before we can really make anyone else happy for a long term period of time. I am very aware that I've struggled in this department for years. I would bend over backwards to keep the people around me smiling and happy, I would love on people to the best of my ability, but I did so (unknowingly at the time) because I was trying to make their happiness rub off on me. It was a full time job being an emotional super hero, and I thought I loved it, but then I had a "snap."

Call it a moment of clarity, where I realized what I'd been doing. But I didn't know where to go from there, I just knew I had to fix me, and everything else had to wait. So that's what I did. I ended my relationship, cut my ties to Kentucky, told my parents I was moving back, and enrolled in university for political science international affairs. I had to believe that it would be better for everyone else in the long run.

So I moved, and I'm in Illinois, and it's been really hard because I loved everyone that I left. I physically left them but I still tried to be there emotionally, which hurt when I failed. It's the reality of my situation, that even if I am helping myself, that I'm going to make others suffer. There's no free lunch. I really wish I could though, and knowing that I have to choose is troubling me greatly. It's a choice I make a lot, whether or not to call, whether or not to visit. It's hard because if I keep that dependency alive I'll hurt them again and again. I don't want that, but I feel like I need them.

It's a troubling quandary I have myself in, and I'm afraid it will get worse before it gets better.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Hope. (2010)

During the holiday season, as this year wraps up, I have been very reflective. This time last year I was still coming out of a personal "recession" period in my life. I used to have a problem with substance abuse to deal with the trials I was facing in life, as opposed to dealing with them in a natural way. I had moved away from my family and friends, running away from dealing with things; but it ended up being a change that I needed. 

When I moved to Kentucky my family practiced tough love on me. I handed over my inhibitors and re-focused my life on natural things. In other words, I went entirely organic and green, and went artistic. My grandparents had purchased a storage space with all kinds of things in it, some trash, some treasure.

Among these things was a hope chest. This chest looked pretty rough when I first saw it, but it quickly became my pet project. I worked with my grandparents on this when I was going through my first month sober. A lot of times I would wake up and be sanding on this chest of 3 or 4 in the morning because my withdrawal symptoms were so severe that I had to do something.

I got it finished and I painted a floral pattern on it (to be honest, I drew it first and then painted in the lines extremely carefully). It turned out beautiful and I couldn't help but feel extremely attached to it. I saw it as a physical symbol of my sobriety, as well as a beacon of hope that I could overcome obstacles and become beautiful again.

This time, in December of last year, I had incorporated the chest into my house furniture and everyone commented on it when they would come in. I just told them that I had found it in a storage facility and chose it because the greens in it matched my chair that it sat by. I still struggled with depression, but I had stuck through with sobriety.

I met several people who were instrumental in helping me through: celebrating the good times, as well as comforting me during the bad. I decided to move in with a friend and we were moving my furniture when it started raining.

May 1, 2009 two of my best friends were in a wreck while we were helping me move my belongings. They were in a van, which struck a median, and flipped two times. By some miracle, they were both able to walk away with only cuts. They were taken to the hospital and both given a clean bill of health (minus one with a few stitches).

My hope chest was damaged in the wreck, as well as most of my clothing, but it was the memories that I had with the chest that made the impact so hard on me. I was dating someone at the time who had an idea how important it was, and he promised to try to fix it for me with his father.

Within the next two months I had progressed enough that I was strong enough to return home. I was going to continue school and work on my relationship with my family that I had left behind. My clothing had been replaced from the wreck, but my hope chest sat there, still damaged and now gathering dust. My relationship ended, but there were still promises to fix what had been broken.

August 12, 2009 my friend, who had been in the wreck, brought my hope chest to me. It was still broken, as the person mentioned above had never fixed it, but was still together enough to be transported to Illinois from Kentucky.

School started a few weeks later and I had a new job at the Buckle in Carbondale. I had struggled with sobriety, being back home and missing my friends in Kentucky, but for the most part had kept clean. I made new friends, but one in particular stood out to me. He was a coworker, funny sometimes, but always pretty chipper and excited about life and school. His personality rubbed off on me and I enjoyed spending time with him.

We began dating at the end of September, after my birthday, when I had regained sobriety. We struggled in the beginning, as most couples do, with communication, but we have always been able to work through things. He knows more about me than any other person, and it doesn’t scare me. I trust him with my emotions and vulnerabilities, and he doesn’t judge my past.

We were talking about our furniture and I took him out and showed him my hope chest that matched the green char he had already seen. He noticed it was broken and I told him about the wreck, and nothing else was mentioned about it.

A few days later, I was leaving for work and he said he was going to stay behind to work on things at my house. I asked what he had in mind, and he simply replied, “your hope chest.”

People can tell you that they love you all day long. They can write you poems and visit you and give you flowers. But when they step outside their comfort zone, when they fix something that you can’t fix yourself. That’s paying it forward, and that’s love.

Love is hope, and hope is what the birth of Jesus Christ was to bring to all the people. Jesus is what people are missing when they Christmas shop, because maybe it isn’t the hottest toy or the coolest sweater, maybe it’s a few rivets and a little sanding on a chest that a girl worked on with her grandparents at a pivotal time in her life that matters the most.

Thank you, Zach, for sharing the Christmas spirit with me.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Finals week, yay (2010)

I'm not breathing well, everything is hitting me all at once and I need a release of some sort. I'm trying to do this sober, without bothering people with my problems. I don't want to be anymore of an inconvenience than I am already, especially at finals time. There are things I need to talk about, but the people who talk to me don't receive the subject well. So I just stop. I'll over talk about other things that don't matter as much to me, because I don't want to upset you any more than I have already. I'm glad you finally said something.

Fashion line offers creative Christian approach (2010)

Abbie Short and Jordan Sparks combined their two of a kind passions to create one-of-a-kind products.
“When someone buys, say, a bag, from us, they aren’t getting a bag that was made in an assembly line with 12,000 others identical to it. Instead, they are getting a bag that has received a lot of thought and time, has been sewn on a simple sewing machine by our own hands, and there will never be another bag in the world like it,” Short said.
Short, of Norris City, and Sparks, of Eldorado and 2010 SIUC alumna, will open the doors Monday to LilyWhite, a personalized fashion line inspired by their Christian faith, at 211 West Main St. in Carbondale. LilyWhite existed as an online store for the past four years while Sparks and Short attended SIUC.
“Honestly, it has always been our dream and goal to have a store — a real, customers coming in, trying on clothes, getting to meet our clients type of store,” Sparks said.
Short said the clothing company developed from the two women’s passion for Jesus and crafts. Their products are made from thrift store fabrics, grandma dresses, old jeans and other found materials.
Dena Peavyhouse, of Harrisburg, said she was impressed with the business when she ordered a purse for her sister-in-law and requested that something about being a light in the darkness be put on it. She said her favorite aspect of the business is its Christian backing.
“It’s great to see them showing the world that true Christian women are strong, creative and they glorify God with the gifts he has given them,” Peavyhouse said.
The clothing and accessory line has received encouragement from people from all different types of backgrounds, Short said. She said its regular customers range anywhere from 12-year-old girls to 30-year-old hippies with dreadlocks.
Kaleb Cook, a junior from Eldorado studying cinema and photography and model for LilyWhite, said it’s not just a clothing company; LilyWhite is a place where customers can go and be loved the way Christians are supposed to love.
“It’s a company geared toward the love of every individual, and they want to help those who come to them,” Cook said.
Establishing the business was not met without trial and hardship, she said.
“Most of our obstacles have included time management. For the past four years we have both been attending college. At times it was hard to juggle running a business and also trying to get school work done, and attempting to have any social life on top of that,” Sparks said.
Sparks said she and Short hope to expand the business to other types of clothing that appeal to a wider variety of clientele.
“We are currently developing a formal wear line. I got married over the summer and made my dress and the bridesmaid dresses, and loved doing it. So we would like to build out our weddings and formal wear line,” Sparks said.
Short and Sparks said they look forward meeting new people and spreading their message of love with clothing and accessories to as many people as possible.
“We’re happy just getting to have a meaningful conversation with a customer, making a dress that a gal feels really cute in, or encouraging someone to pursue a dream,” Short said.
Kayla Kearns can be reached at or 536-3311 ext. 273.

Dance Company celebrates 35th anniversary with performance (2010)

Dancers from the Southern Illinois Dance Company will light up the stage for their 35th anniversary show Friday by performing dance routines to hit songs by Lady Gaga, Chris Brown, Christina Aguilera and other artists.
Donna Wilson, the company’s faculty adviser, said this year’s selection dances are modern, ballet, jazz and hip-hop, and the show is designed to entertain a variety of people. She said all but two of the pieces were choreographed by students in the company. Guest choreographers Susan Barnes from the Susan Barnes Dance Studio in Carbondale and Daniel Baine helped students learn the dances for the upcoming show.
“We teach each other the steps, which is a challenge because we aren’t professionally trained,” said Eric Oleson, a senior from Plano studying architecture and a dancer in the company. “We don’t get the opportunity to have six hours of class with each other. We only have one hour in our practice sessions to figure it out.”
The company, formed in 1975, is a performance organization open to anyone 16 or older. Wilson said 16 year olds can tryout, and in the past, faculty members from SIUC with no dance experience have joined. The company welcomes artistic diversity among its members and works to train hard, dance well and share its passion with others.
Oleson said during a performance in the summer, lighting fell and could have hit a dancer at the beginning of the show, which made dancers wary of performing for the rest of the evening.
“Something almost fell on a dancer at our last show. We were really concerned about going on,” he said.
Wilson said she is relieved to know the company’s dancers will be safe this year.
“We just got our rigging upgraded. This is something I’ve been working on for 25 years,” Wilson said. ”It was really unsafe, so we are extremely excited to be under safety code now.”
Cristina Enea, a senior from Des Plaines studying public relations and a dancer in the company, said the group’s main focus this semester has been to raise money for Furr Auditorium. The company raises money by teaching dance classes through the university, and with bake sales and donations. Though it’s a Registered Student Organization, it operates as a regular dance company.
Oleson said the company tries to make each show a big production by making the dances as exciting and as fast-paced as possible.
“We don’t have boring dances to songs you’ve never heard of. All of our dances are energetic and to the point,” Enea said. “We don’t want people leaving at intermission because they think we are boring.”
SIU does not offer a dance major, so dancers are many different majors and come from many schools and kinds of backgrounds, Wilson said.
“We are also self-sustaining.We generate all of our profits from fundraising, advertising and ticket sales,” she said.
The SIDC fall 2010 show is at 7:30 p.m. Friday and 2 p.m. Saturday in Furr Auditorium, Pulliam Hall Room 42. Tickets are $8 for adults, $5 for students and $4 for children.
Kayla Kearns can be reached at or 536-3311 ext. 274.

Christmas, Politics, and International Relations (2010)

International Relations and political correctness has reached a point where it affects almost every facet of our lives. As the holidays approach, we all struggle with how to be politically correct in our celebrations. With the influx of political correctness in international relations, states have progressed to the point that the end result is a very non-descriptive, boring culture. In our attempts to be non-offensive, we have become inaccurate in our communication. Around the holidays we are so concerned about being inappropriate that we offer no greeting or good wishes at all. Our good intentions result in bad perceptions. Most of us would rather be perceived as good intentioned and politically incorrect than simply indifferent.

Why do we go through all of this trouble? Santa Claus. Critics might wonder how Santa would have anything to do with international relations, or the political realm. But when analytically looking into the Santa Claus persona, one can find example of almost every type of international and political incorrectness possible. From a realist perspective, he has the ultimate hegemony. There is nobody who can compare, and no one has tried to. From a liberal perspective, Santa needs some work with the help of groups and institutions. From an identity approach the world must become like Santa, or Santa needs to change his ways to incorporate the world equally. 

So, looking a little deeper into Santa and what he’s about, the first thing that comes to mind is his list. Like Herbert Hoover and the F.B.I., Santa Claus keeps a list of everyone who has been acting in accordance with his wishes, assuming he knows the difference between bad and good. How does he keep tabs on behavior? He is a peeping tom, and he breaks into houses at night. If states had a list that they checked twice to determine whether other diplomats were being good or bad international relations would combust.

Imagine press releases from Obama’s chancellor, “We are unable to release the contents of the list because its release could harm international relations; as well as the study of the relations among states and other political and economic units in the international system. Particular areas of study within the field of international relations include diplomacy and diplomatic history, including international law, The Chancellor's officials fear any omissions of world leaders. The list would be able to deduce things from that. And it was felt that the disclosure was not in the public interest. The possible harm to international relations outweighed public interest of disclosing the list.” The “list game” involves states joining an alliance and going into war. It is mostly played by players from Israel, China, USA, Britain, Brazil and Saudi-Arabia., senior diplomats and Obama’s personal contacts could be seen as a snub and may cause offense if the list is published. Can you imagine what that would do worldwide? From a realist perspective, this is great, a good source of power if you are Santa, of course. Liberals would likely create an institution calling for the release of names on the list, and Identity perspectives would revolt at the lack of communication happening between states that held lists over one another’s heads.

Liberal would approach the development in guidelines for gift giving with the implementation of institutions. Santa‘s “he sees you when you’re sleeping; he knows when you’re awake,” method of checking up on people has got to stop. The Patriot Act didn’t even go that far. Claus’s surveillance extends way beyond what any state’s privacy laws allow:  plus, it’s creepy. Determination of who’s been naughty or nice will no longer involve his watching people at all hours anymore, there will be a democratic voting system set up with NGO’s in various locations around the world.  In terms of wish lists, Santa will encourage emails instead of letters from now on to minimize paper waste. 

From an identity approach, Santa’s consistent trespassing violations need to be addressed for the safety of people all over the world. Well-intentioned or not, you can’t just enter people’s houses unannounced. Even most landlords have to give twenty-four-hour notice before coming to their tenants’ doors. From now on, he’s got to get written consent before he sets foot in any one of the billion homes he plans to visit this Christmas Eve. Also, the house hit list must begin to extend beyond homes that celebrate Christmas only, because Santa is an equal-opportunity gift giver, regardless of religion. 

Santa will now have to include the celebration of Chanukah, and other religious celebrations. As Santa will not be able to run everything by himself, he will likely have to hire helpers who will have to be screened. When the media finds out about this, Chanukah will become a mainstream holiday, so all employees must undergo government required training (Liberal approach) so that they will not fall victim toSemitic Phlegm Syndrome (SPS): The inability to make the guttural, Hebraic 'ch' sound when pronouncing the word Chanukah. SPS sufferers become paralyzed with fear that a passing remark about Chanukah will cause them to choke and hyperventilate uncontrollably. Not to mention at the dinner table when they mistakenly launch throat projectiles into the mashed potatoes. Sufferers typically isolate themselves from family members during spontaneous 'round-the-piano sing-a-longs, particularly during the number "(C)happy (C)holidays."

In response to fair trade, an identity approach would require an extreme makeover for Santa’s elf sweatshop. Santa exploit’s the vertically challenged, forcing elves into non-union labor conditions similar to that of third world countries. No longer should these little people be subjected to unfair work conditions and forced to work day and night under Mr. Kringle’s judgmental stare. Starting this season, elves will work eight-hour days with allotted one-hour lunches and two fifteen-minute breaks. They’ll have health care benefits, as constant toy making often leads to carpal tunnel syndrome, and the ability to unionize. Vacation and sick days can be taken any time of year, not just directly after the holidays, and with the help of a newly appointed human resources director to promote diversity, Santa’s workshop will extend jobs to tall people as well. 

The problems from this, a realist would interject, is that tall people have bigger hands and are needed in other areas of business just as they have always been. Liberals would say to allow tall people who want the jobs to have the opportunity, but to be prepared for sufferers of Calendar Countdown Condition (CCC): An unyielding obsession with how many shopping days are left until Christmas. Constantly reaching for PDAs and notepads, CCC sufferers feel a pressing need to absorb and retain a daunting litany of time zones, store hours and driving mileage in support of their making deadlines obsession. "It's amazing," notes John Smitty, head of the research team for CCC. "Some of these people can't even balance their checkbooks. But can they number-crunch the time it should take to put together a bicycle down to the millisecond." Another research panel would be on site to treat workers for OCD-AAA: A variation on obsessive compulsive disorder, in which sufferers are constantly on the verge of panic for fear that they forgot to put triple-A batteries in children’s Game Boys and other electronic equipment.

An identity follower’s next line of action would be to assure that Mrs. Claus gets equal partnership in the North Pole. Mr. Claus is happy to have Mrs. Claus isolated at home, bogged down in patriarchal oppression, never fulfilling her true potential. Does Mrs. Claus even have a first name? In modern society that must come to an end. Kris Kringle gets all the glory every Christmas, but what about the rest of the year? Are kids to believe he runs the workshop all by his lonesome? Behind every great man is a great woman, and it’s time she got a voice. The new Mrs. Claus will own 50 percent of the North Pole’s business and lay claim to at least half of Santa’s assets should they ever part ways. Oh, and she’ll get a first name, too. 

A high priority for a liberal would be to comply with PETA standards. PETA has been on Santa’s case for years because of his fur-lined coats, leather boots, and use of reindeer to cart him around the world. Rather than waiting for him to get splattered in red paint or for rabid animal-rights activists wearing deer suits to invade the North Pole, a liberal would need to make sure Santa trades in all that fur and leather for faux fur and pleather. As for the reindeer, Santa can’t bring presents to boys and girls worldwide without them. But he can give Rudolph and the rest of the herd breaks throughout the night and feed them organic apples and grass. 

Identity would suggest, but not demand, that Santa go on a diet and kick his pipe smoking habit for the children’s sake. With child obesity rates soaring, today’s Santa shouldn’t be sending the message that a belly shaking like a bowl full of jelly is okay, or that drug paraphernalia is cool. Apparently unaware of good nutrition and the need for an exercise regimen, he’s overweight and has rosy cheeks (the sign of an alcohol problem or hypertension), and despite smoking bans everywhere, he puffs away on his pipe. That means no more late-night snacks consisting of cookies and milk. Santa keeps his BMI in the healthy range with Greek yogurt and fruit instead. From now on, Santa’s right-hand companion will be a recycled bottle filled with filtered tap water.  

A realist would say that the next thing to look at is the arrest all Santa impersonators. People are thrown in jail for committing fraud on a daily basis, why should a mall Santa be any different? An Identity follower would counter that if there was ever a way to kill holiday spirit, it would be the mass arrest of Santas all over the world. Liberals would want to set up work groups to help Santas find other means of income, and Identity approach would also look at the affect it would have on citizens of different states. Coming up with new disorders like “Ho-Ho-Phobia (HHP)” A profound fear of rotund, bearded men in red suits and black boots. Picture commercial breaks during a football game: “Do you feel anxious when you see pictures of Santa? Do cranky little men in green outfits leave you unsettled? Ho-Ho Phobia (HHP) outbreaks usually take place beginning in late November.” This would cause severe disruption in families who use Santa’s coming as a tool of parental control. This might lead some wondering if election day, or Christmas Eve bring more terror to the people?

But there is the flip side, from an identity perspective. He is an active person who defies stereotypes. He has come to terms with his own body image. He gives without expecting anything in return. He conserves energy, driving a non-gasoline-powered vehicle. He doesn't require government funding. And, best of all, he gives without regard to race, creed, color or national origin. 

Friendship (2010)

I was reading an article earlier on friendships and relationships and how some people struggle with  anxiety and depression, especially during Christmas and the holiday season.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. What you want to do, is try to figure out which category your friend fits into. When you do, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. You are experiencing some sort of difficulty and they are there to assist you, to provide you with guidance and support. Reason friends are able to help you physically, emotionally or spiritually, depending on your need. For those of religious beliefs, they may be considered a miracle, or a godsend. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Reason friends are only meant to be temporary. They will, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Whether this be death, or an argument in which one of you walks away. They may disrupt your comfort level by forcing you to take a stand.

What we must remember is that our need has been met, our desire has been fulfilled and their work is done. Your question has been answered, and now it is time to move on.

Now some people come into your life for a season, because in certain times in life we are required to share, grow or learn. Friends will often come into your life and bring you peace or make you laugh. They may educate you in things you have never done before, and they usually leave you with a feeling of happiness and joy. It isn’t fake, it’s real, but it is only temporary - for a season.

These are people that later on will become acquaintances. When you meet in passing later on, you’ll smile and wave, possibly make small talk and catch up for a few minutes.

Lifetime relationships teach you lessons that will impact you forever. These relationships are very special, and are things you must build upon. These relationships are the hardest, but, when successful, leave you with a solid emotional foundation. Your responsibility is to accept the lesson, love the person, and utilize all of the other lessons that reason and seasonal friends have taught you.  

Love lust (2010)

I've spent years of my life watching as time passed by. Looking back and wondering where it went. I would try to fall asleep at night, tossing and turning, feeling completely spent. I’d stare at my ceiling for hours contemplating what the next day would hold for me.

Tossing, turning
My mind is churning
My thoughts won't let me be

Every morning greets me with a list of a thousand things to do. The evening greets me with the knowledge that I’ll never be through. Success? Yes success makes me vow never again to fail. But reality strikes back and I find I’m chasing an invisible tail.

If every picture tells a story
Mine must be a mystery
I’ll keep dusting the frame

There's has be something more to my life than running in circles for a living; something better than just trying to get by. I seem to be missing some important piece to this puzzle that gives more meaning to my life.

I’ve lost sight of what I can achieve
I’ve forgotten who I’m supposed to be
So, at this time, I pray for peace

I’m so tired of living in hopeless places. I’ve immersed myself in this before. With people who were infatuated with my earthly things, and not concerned with love.  So I must fill my empty spaces with the understanding, caring, and trust.  To surround myself in the joy that heaven brings, instead of settling for love lust. 

Waiting Game (2010)

I miss you honey
I miss you dearly
I wish you'd see
Come home to me.

Please be safe, I care.
There are big bad things out there,
I wish you'd be aware.
You've given us all a scare.

I'm waiting for you, praying.
I'm delaying for you, staying.
I'm locked in, waiting.

Wishing you'd come home soon.  

Glass house (2010)

I’m sitting in my glass house watching the world go by
The ghosts, the memories are sleeping down the hall
I see the sunset, the stars, and watch little birds fly
The whole world is silent behind this wall.
I think I’m going out, I think I’m gonna try.
But I’ll sit on my couch, watch the leaves fall

When I left life got harder
and it’s harder and harder to hide.
The darker it gets around me
the more transparent I get inside.
Outside these glass walls
the whole world is shining.
Oh, but its barely an inch
from here to the other side.

I pushed and pushed it came to this,
Life gets its turn to shove.
To those who love to throw stones at me;
Tell me what is your house made of?

You know what I'm doing wrong
Well go ahead and get in line
Have you prepared your dance and song?
Of course, of course, I'm doing fine

Let’s just say I'm doing fine

I’m trapped in my glasshouse,
Let’s make a pot of coffee.
I think I'm going to stay in my house.

This crowd has been gathering outside since dawn,
While a catastrophe awaits me out on the lawn.
I’ll laugh and act like I don't know what's going on.

College and the female spirit (2010)

I look around and see this wonderful place,
My family and friends bring a smile to my face.
Things are almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see this beautiful life.

Always laughing,always smiling
But on the inside,my heart is aching.

My heart is praying,

“Show me the way with strong hands.
Hold me up when I can’t stand.
I’m starving for love, flying towards dreams.
So don’t leave me, what about us?

Prove to me I’m the love of your life.
Let me know you’re willing to fight.
I’ve run away, I’m looking for home
And I still feel alone.”

I see your face, the look in your eyes.
I’m just your child from the outside.
I'm working so hard to tell you I’ll be fine.

“She’s so independent.”

I know I don’t show it,
But on the inside, I’m saying...

“Show me the way with strong hands.
Hold me up when I can’t stand.
I’m starving for love, flying towards dreams.
So don’t leave me, what about us?

Prove to me I’m the love of your life.
Let me know you’re willing to fight.
I’ve run away, I’m looking for home
And I still feel alone.”

So Abba, give me the strength
To be what I'm called to be
Father, show me the way
To lead, but won't You please lead me?

Someday I’ll be a mother, a wife, a friend
I’ll be a strong force with an ear to lend.
I know I still have many of lessons to learn
So when I'm done there will be no stone unturned.

I’ll show them the way with strong hands.
I’ll hold them up when they can’t stand.
I’ll fill them with love, inspire them to dream.
I won‘t leave them because you never left me.
I’ll prove to them they are the love of my life.
I’m willing to love, and I’m ready to fight.

They may run away, but they’ll always come home
So lead me, ‘cause I can’t do this alone.

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Seasonal (2010)

I wish I knew what to say.
How to go about it,
to rid myself of this haze.

You want so much for me to be happy,
to live and be carefree.
I sometimes find that my
are all I’m able to see.

I want you to love yourself,
never quit,
to truly live and believe.

I put all my time and effort into it,
hoping it will rub off on me.

I keep people at a distance,
but you'll never be dismissed.

I do this for my safety,
for my emotional

none of which really helps me.

What if I succeed?
You love yourself and you leave.
Then what’s to become of me?  

Fun :) (2010)

Cute little grins lead to squinty little eyes; 
and so begins the lovers lullaby. 
Football games and coffee flavored kisses, 
when I travel away I always miss this. 
We're both size small, playing dress up is fun. 
We were destined to have a fun picture album. 
You make blueberry muffins; I made sausage dip. 
When our gender roles swap it's always a trip :) 
Whatever qualm, whatever strife, 
nothing else matters when we say, "good night."

First week (2010)

I'm trying my hardest.
I'm doing my best. 
I'm not the smartest. 
Am I failing this test? 

I'll be a good daughter. 
I'll try hard in school. 
I'm being drug to slaughter
& I refuse to appear a fool. 

I don't know what to do. 
I want to hold your trust. 
I need to breathe for a few, 
Or I'll slip into wanderlust.