Change (2007)

It's been a while since I've blogged anything. It's not that nothing has been going on in my life, I have a bunch of updates, but one in particular is in the forefront now, and that's my move. I'll blog it next, but I should probably explain my motivations behind leavingGlasgow.

Ever since Bethany moved back to Illinois in August I've dealt with homesickness a lot. I've always preferred to be around others rather than spend a lot of time alone.  I believe this was partially due to the fact that I did not want to deal with my past, and chose not to take the long road to healing that I needed, rather fill it with temporary things that only made things harder in the long run.

This "sickness" plagued me. It seemed to affect everything around me, including my relationship with God. I kept looking for a sign, a light at the end of my tunnel, per say. I was scared to go home and face Bethany and all of my Christian friends because everything was out in the open, my faults were out there, and my imperfections. It took me until the weekend of my birthday to work up the nerve to go home. I knew I needed to apologize to my girls. I needed to be up front with my side of things, and let them know all the things I'd been scared to talk about before. F.Y.I., honesty is always the best method, no matter what the consequence.

The phone calls and text messaging went well, and the talk itself was very healing. There is a consequence to every action, whether it's positive or negative. In my case, it needed to be negative. I needed the tough love of my friends to see the extent of things. At the time it really hurt, but looking back on it I believe that it needed to happen. Sometimes change needs to be forced, God then intervenes and we're temporarily blindsided.

Instead of being angry, or hurt, I was humbled. I took this to God and gave it to him. All I asked was that for my birthday I be blessed by creativity of some sort. The last thing I wanted was to come to God with my shopping list of needs and wants. I had to change, it was necessary. I have a happy personality, but I failed to be assertive in my beliefs. So I made a pact to change it then.

Since that night I have made crucial steps towards my goal of complete transparency. I don't want to have to hide anything from anyone, but I do know that just because I have struggled in my life does not mean that I have to tell everyone about it if it's unnecessary.