The strength of a woman (2008)

I am not as strong as you think I am. I'm just as scared, lonely, and upset as you are; I've always just been able to hide it successfully.

This lead to dishonesty.

I want/wanted so much to be the ideal image of perfection that you desired of me that I didn't let you see the ugly side of me. The one that seems to be taking over here lately.

It's the side of me that needs male attention/justification. The one who will lie, cheat and steal to get it no matter if the attention is positive or negative. I failed you, and played a sharade sparked by fear and guilt. It's the side of myself that scares me because it's not safe, nor is it healthy in any aspect or realm of the imagination. I have done horrible things in my past, I am vindictive to those I feel have wronged me.

I have trust issues with people. Nobody has ever received a full package (spiritual, emotional, and physical) combined. If a person is lucky they get two of the three, and my friends get the other part.

This is the very reason that my male friends are so important to me. Emotionally, to an extent, they are all "boyfriends" without the spiritual or physical benefits of romantic companionship. This is probably one of the main reasons that I am able to maintin close friendships with people post dating.. there was no emotional connection to begin with, so once I don't have to worry about being physical as well it's easier for me.

But my relationships always start out in one of two ways.. spiritual or physical. Because of my physical past I am unable to maintin a spiritual connection with someone after a certain point has been breeched. This is due to my morals and self image.

What is dangerous about this, is that my go get it personality is all or nothing. I am going to be either completely physical, or spiritual. Neither one, by themselves, are fully satisfying. This is why I fail time and time again.

I know God forgives, and He heals. I was raised in church and I've heard the sermons preached. My problem is forgiving myself, telling others, and allowing others to forgive me.