So, I'm sitting in the kitchen at my parents' house and had nothing better to do than search for a new car and read all my old blogs. Wow. What an eye opener.
I knew I was a romantic, but the extent of my falling for the wrong person pattern amazes me still. Hindsight being 20/20 I guess. This is a problem that I seem to have had for some time. Due to a lack of attention received from my family, the feeling of living in a sibling's shadow (eh, sibling rivalry, why not), I gave myself to love. Instead of giving myself to God's love, I gave it to dating, and romance.
I was always scared to hurt anyone because I don't like being hurt myself. This provided me with a massive amount of stress over the last few years. For example, instead of being done with a relationship when it was done and both parties knew it wouldn't work, I'd stick around and be best friends with the guy. I never realized for the most part that this gave them the wrong impression. Where I saw my actions as polite and considerate, the dude thought he was still in the picture. This situation has caused a lot of problems for me, especially within the last year.
Part of my problem is that I'm almost afraid to risk not having the friends, because in the long run I don't want to end up alone. I'm a co-dependent person and people, especially guys, seem to pick up on my need for a relationship of some form. It's all very innocent on my end, but it's not always the case on the other side.
So, I'm not going to be as nice anymore. I'm not hanging out with guys (other than Adam) unless there's another "shemale" around. I can't be that girl, I can't be that friend. It's not that I don't love all my dude buddies, but I want to protect and guard their hearts as well as my own. I'm doing this because I don't want to hurt people.
It's time for me to reserve, er, preserve myself for my spouse. It's time to grow up.
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