A mild moment in history (2011).

"You know, I never intended on living in Carbondale. I was going to get my degree, leave here and do something real with my life. Then I got a job. My job allowed me to help people, which I loved doing, and then my entire outlook changed." - Don Monty

I just interviewed Mr. Monty and his outlook on things interested me. He talked about change, and how people don't like it, and it's not always fun, but it's always necessary for progression.

I always try to look at my life, and while some of my moves have been due to running, my last move wasn't. I really didn't feel "right," and that's the best way I know how to put it. Ever since I was young I felt like I needed to do more. That I wouldn't necessarily live in the same place, and I loved to travel and experience new things.

I think that some people are meant to be temporary, and in my life so far, I've been a temporary person. I typically have shown up when someone was in need of change, I helped facilitate their need, but then I left. Most of the time there was drama involved, but later on both parties were able to see the value in the lessons they both learned.

My first move (3 months)
I gained tolerance, which was something I was desperately lacking when I left Harrisburg in 2006. When I came back after a few months I was able to communicate better with some, but I still had a long way to go.

I entered into a serious relationship and became engaged which lead to..

My second move (seven months) I thought it was for love, but it was for re-instilling self confidence that I had lost. This time I had a roommate who was my best friend. My insecurities became entirely exposed and self destructed both my friendship and my engagement within the first couple months. I had my first full time job, and later I became a youth minister.

When I came back late in 2007 I intended on going back to school and to make amends with the trailblazing I had done in my personal relationships in 2006. I stayed for awhile, started dating again and some of my old problems started rearing their heads. Instead of trying to solve my problems I ended by relationship and jumped into another one. I ended up becoming engaged for a second time, which ended sourly. To say I didn't respond well is the understatement of the century; I left at the beginning of 2009.

My third move (14 months) The first 10 months I continued to struggle and grieve. I had to learn to pick myself back up, to be able to operate as a single entity, and to move on with my life. Although I was involved in a relationship the last 4 months, that helped me realize I was worth trying to change, but was not strong enough to last through the changing process.  I learned so much about myself during this move. I met many people who had a huge impact on my life; whether the situation was positive or negative. There is always a lesson, there's always something to take away from an interaction.

I don't hold on to hatred
I don't feel the need to lose my sobriety.
If I don't understand you, I ask questions.
If something upsets me, I confront it, I don't ignore it.
I try to inspire people to reach their true potential.
I work hard to be an emotionally stable person.
I work hard to be reliable and trustworthy.

Now with that being said, I'm not perfect. I'd love to be perfect, it'd be awesome, but I'm not. It upsets me when I fail at my list. I feel like I've failed people, which makes me feel like I'm a bad person. I can say that I've struggled with being naive to situations, that I trusted too far in certain situations, and I have messed up many times. I've owned up to it, many long and painful conversation, which has taught me another lesson.

Honesty is the absolute best policy.

It's something I can't stress enough, especially this week. It's been rough, what I'm most upset about is that it was something I'd already addressed, we were making progress. So when it was brought up again, I had to re-live it again. I had to re-question myself and my character, so my blogs are sort of reflective of that. I was angry, which sped up the process. I was upset that it had to come to that. As horrible as this past week has been, I wouldn't trade it. As bad as I feel now, this won't last forever, and everyone involved will grow in some way.

Until then, there will be more hard talks, and a lot of re-hashing of the same conversations. I can get back up, this isn't the worst thing that has ever happened in my history by a long shot. It's mild, actually.

Desire (2011).

This was sparked by Jael listing her wants and Sam teasing her about wanting a list. So, Zach, here you go :)

I am so ready to curl up in bed.
I want you to be with me right now.
I want to turn on a movie and fall asleep.

I want to hug you and bury my face in your neck.

I want you to play with my hair while we talk, again.

I kind of just want you to touch me in general, I enjoy it.

I want to relax without worrying about missing breaking news.

I want to cook delicious meals.

I want to read my school books.

I want to hang out with my sister.
I don't want to be "so" about my job.


I want to focus.
I want to take pictures.
I want to have real friends.
I want butter pecan ice cream.

I want the 80's look to come back into style.

I want an entire day where I don't worry about things.
I want to have friends (real or not) that want to spend time with me.



After looking at my list, I also want to give up on my OCD tendencies that required that I order each want by length.

Just a couple thoughts on my day off (2011).

I was reading through some of my old notes from high school the other day. I had an assignment to write down 100 quotes that meant something to me. I really really liked this one.


The clock is running. 
Make the most of today. 
Time waits for no man.

Yesterday is history. 
Tomorrow is a mystery. 
Today is a gift. 

That's why it is called the present.

"Sun Dials and Roses of Yesterday: Garden Delights" by Alice Morse Earle



This lead me to write a series of short little rhymes that are all kind of along the same line.


No matter where you've gone
No matter who you've been
You can always begin, again.
----------------------------------------------------------------
I am who I choose to be;
But that's not what I need.
We should always search
And consider who we are made to be.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Life may not be easy.
I may not make you proud.
Tribulation helps me see,
So I don't float among the clouds.

:) (2011).

Today has been awesome; I really feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. My classes all went well, the subject matter is really interesting and I'm enjoying the banter I have with my fellow classmates. I am so glad that I got my generals out of the way first, now that I'm in my core classes everyone is so like minded. It's a great feeling.

My article today was stressful, but in a good way. I'm really getting comfortable in the field and I'm learning more everyday. I had a situation with NeuroRestorative, a group home in Carbondale. They tried to get city council to grant them a "special use permit" which allows more than one group home to exist on the same lot, which violates the existing ordinance which states that there must be 800 feet (1 street block) distance between one group home and another.

Not super interesting, right? That's what I thought until I went to the meeting. Apparently this business has caused many issues in the subdivision in which it is currently located. So much that the entire group of 25 households came, with a signed petition, and handed it to the mayor. Then they all spoke during the public hearing on it.

It was really interesting to see the Neuro rep give her presentation, because it was so eloquent and well prepared. I was shocked to see all the neighbors turn up to protest it.

Anyways, so the issue with today's article was that Neuro refused to do a follow up interview with me after hearing the complaints of the neighbors in the subdivision. Bad news bears, I was on deadline.

Luckily I still had the city council meeting recorded from my re-cap article, so I was able to quote their statements. (Yay for audible hoarding!)

Now my article is being edited now, I'm ready to go to Zach's house and have dinner. 10pm is late enough :)

Frappuccinos and Facebook (2011).

As a student we know what college life is about. We deal with homework, deadlines, professors, other students, relationships, parents and that second job to pay for the apartment we are never in because we are always at the library/lab/studio/practice/meetings/classes - none of which are climate controlled. Basically, we are paying to be malnourished workaholics addicted to frappuccinos and Facebook, all in hope of a better life (complete with a paycheck) after graduation; the only thing that gets us through is more caffeine, friends, or that distant mythical place called Saturdays (Yeah, we've heard those exist).

This is my reprieve. 

Finally, a place that appeals to the little things in my life that need to be unleashed. There is no hard news, no negative reports or depressing headlines. Within these entries, I can find relief from the daily stresses that occasionally weigh me down. No one was injured in a car crash, it's always sunny and there is always enough parking for everyone. So hopefully, whoever is reading this, will have a chance to understand my lifestyle. Everything is written by me (unless otherwise noted), and is built on the stories, artwork and experiences of my life.

Thoughts in Passing (2011).

I didn't end up going to Kentucky for the wedding because I had interviews that I had to do for the paper early today, and I wanted to be able to spend longer visiting with my friends. Instead I went to the movies, shopping for cardigans, groceries for a football party. I also took a bunch of pictures which pleased me greatly. I miss everyone in Kentucky, but I really needed a quiet day. I was able to do a lot of relaxing things that helped me before school started. I haven't really written any poetry lately, and this one isn't very good but I thought I'd post it anyways.


I read things all the time. 
I browse the net; peruse online.
I try to keep my mind occupied.
I hope these emotions get easier with time.


It's hard knowing I'm the one to blame.
That I'm the cause of all your pain.
If I could fix it I would be your savior.
Sometimes I wish life would grant me the favor.


January is coming to an end.
My memories are starting to blend.
I'm piecing things back together with glue.
I wish you knew it's hard for me too.

Oh weddings

I'm really happy that my friend is getting married to someone he loves. Weddings are a time of celebration, the joining of two souls into one. Namely, getting your super powers. If one person can be good, two people combined can be great. The key, is being great for good and not evil.

I'm headed to Kentucky to go to this wedding tomorrow. I haven't been since Christmas and I'm hoping I can catch up with some people while I'm there. I definitely want to see my family, I got my SLR camera working again (thanks to Zach), and I'm hoping to take a lot of pictures. It's a great stress reliever for me, and this is the last day that I'll get off until the end of the semester.

I have four 400 level classes that are all paper rich, I also was promoted from writing one article a week to five. So this just became a crazy-stress-filled-oh-my-god-my-head-may-kerplode-before-its-over semester. I told my parents the other day to have all my mail forwarded to the school, because I'll likely never see them again. I may, in fact, disappear.

So, before that happens, I want to go to Kentucky and see some people. Not all, because it isn't possible to do so in less than one day unfortunately. Zach's coming with me, so I'm really excited that he can meet my family. This is our first extended road trip together, I'm most excited about that.

Tired

Day three of training, all the excitement and adrenaline of writing is starting to catch up with me. That and a series of bad dreams last night, along with the week before of not being able to sleep at all, are trying to kick my butt. It's the most lonely feeling ever when you can't sleep. You look around and your friends and family are having no problem. I get up, walk around, and nobody notices. If I wasn't sad before, I always end up being extremely depressed after letting my mind run, unoccupied, for hours on end like that.

Last night I had a series of bad dreams where I was abandoned, broken up with, hated, called boring and unimportant. All things that I worry about on a day to day basis. I am terrified of losing people without preparation. It's always easier for me to be the one who is leaving, who is cutting off communication, etc, because I'm controlling my own pain. At that point, I have no one but myself to blame for it, and I blame myself plenty.

I hide myself in work and projects, school being included in this. I'm comfortable there. I'm less comfortable when there is physical contact with people, and that's a fear aspect, which derives from past relationships (dating and non). I don't want to let someone in like that, because I'm afraid they'll hurt me, which inevitably happens, because we're human. I know that people are human, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to forgive without holding an emotional/physical grudge.

I have to get over this, or I'm never going to be happy, overall. That's not to say that I'm not pleased with people, or that I'm not proud of my friends and family, even though I don't or can't speak to them for some reason or another. This is my depression speaking, which is the sad part, because it makes people feel bad to see me write this way, even though it isn't anyone's fault but my own.

This really isn't helping me much today, the more I write the more upset I get. I'm going to space out and read legislation like the super boring person I am.

Edited Article

I had a few necessary changes, more paraphrasing needed, a few things of importance to move around, but overall I did well. *whew*

CITY_011211_EDGAR_KK

Kayla Kearns

Daily Egyptian

Head:  Former governor Edgar ‘outraged’ by Illinois’ deficit

Illinois faces a budget deficit that could reach $15 billion this year. Jim Edgar, former Illinois  governor, came to the Student Center Tuesday night for the Paul Simon Public Policy Institute to discuss his ‘outrage’ at the states’ financial decline.  

Edgar was elected governor in 1990. He was the last governor elect to leave the state without deficit, and was also the last governor not convicted of corruption.

“The state of Illinois faces the worst fiscal crisis in its history,” Edgar said in his speech. “Depending on how you slice the numbers, Illinois’ financial state is the worst, second-worst, or third-worst in the nation,” said Edgar.

David Yepsen, director of the Paul Simon Public Policy Institute, said it was good to get the former governor’s insight into the state’s financial crisis.

Democratic lawmakers pushed an income tax increase through the legislature Tuesday that it would raise the state’s personal income tax 66 percent. The tax rate will go from 3 percent to 5 percent since Gov. Pat Quinn has signed the bill into law and has supported a tax increase.

Quinn, a Democrat, who served as lieutenant governor until Blagojevich was impeached and removed from office, tried to get a tax increase through the legislature previously, but could not get support from his own party.

Yepsen said polls have shown Illinois voters are willing to pay higher taxes to solve the problem, but are not willing to pay higher taxes and have the situation stay the same. They want to see progression, he said.

Lt. Gov. Sheila Simon, a former SIUC law professor, said she admired Edgar for his combined fiscal conservatism and concern for education and other social issues. She said that Edgar played down the effects to the recession of the state, but she agreed with him on most matters.

Simon said that she and Quinn are focused on improving the quality of life for Illinois residents.

“We will get the state’s payments up to date, improve the public education, and make sure the social safety net does not disappear,” she said.

Yepsen said incumbent legislators enjoy a great advantage in Illinois elections.

“They can safely assume they will be re-elected barring unforeseen circumstances or events. But no one likes to say, ‘Hey, I raised your taxes. Vote for me,’” he said.

Edgar said it was an outrage that the state’s leaders had allowed the situation to get so bad.

Edgar said the Republican party is not without fault for the financial deficit.

“The free-spending days of George Ryan set the stage for this problem,” he said. “The administration of Governor Blagojevich made things exponentially worse.”

Not all representatives are in favor of the changes that will take place since the bill passed, said Rep. Mike Bost, R-Murphysboro, who voted against the tax increase, and was among those who attended the speech.

Edgar said the tax increase, which is supposed to be temporary, might be necessary but would not begin to bring in more revenue for months. In the meantime, he said, it was likely the state would look to borrow money to pay its bills.

“Borrow and spend; it’s an old tune we all know by heart,” he said. “The harsh fiscal reality might well be that we have no choice but to raise taxes and borrow money to pay our bills, but the way we got into this mess deserves examination.”

Day Two

I really really like sun dried tomato hummus with pita chips when I'm writing. Especially in the office, because they are SUPER healthy, not messy, and I have to keep my desk neat and tidy, so that's important to me. I'm drinking red grape juice (again) because it's the only thing in my refrigerator (again). 

But that's not important, what's important is that it's day numero two of Daily Egyptian boot came/training week and I'm trying to post each day about what's up in the office. 

So, I'm creating story ideas for City desk; I have been all morning. Our expectations (as laid out by my boss, Nick) are as follows

"City reporters are to 'walk your beats,' always have a plan B. If there's going to be a hold in the paper, it better not be because your story dropped. Stay on top of major stories, I.E. elections, police cases, fires, demonstrations and protests, community meetings, housing - all of these are stories that should make it into the paper at least once a week. But, most importantly, meeting deadline, unless you intend on lasting as long as the Saints did against the Seahawks last week." - Nick Johnson, Chief of Staff, Daily Egyptian.

If you don't know, the Seahawks are a horrible football team, and the Saints won the Superbowl last year. The Seahawks sold their soul to Satan and beat the Saints last week, ending their chances at entering the next level of the playoffs. 

So, since my passionate reporting lies in political rhetoric, legislation, and things of that nature, I've been looking at the State of Illinois event list so that I can report on each individual, state funded, program that Illinois has. 

I.E. if Illinois is in the hole, I feel that I'm required to report it. I can let local opinions from Carbondale city council, and I fully intend on doing so. My articles should primarily be on hot topic issues, and in our area, that includes money, housing, race, human rights.. all things I'm super interested in. 

------------------------------------

This morning I listened to Emery, and it's one of my favorite bands ever. In the past, it was the only "screamer" band I could tolerate. The only reason I chose them was because I'd listened to their acoustic set and heard the screaming part, but they sang it instead, so I actually knew what they were screaming. 

I guess I figure that if I'm broadening my political views, that I should broaden my viewpoints in other areas of my life.

--------------------------------------

Which brings me to simplicity, I'm trying to simplify everything in my life. I've hauled out 7+ garbage bags of various things that I've held on to for various reasons. It seems that I have hoarding tendencies, primarily with sentimental objects (pictures, letters, cd's, greeting cards, old notes and papers).

I think I love keeping these things because it reminds me that people care, which is important to me because I struggle with depression. I had every letter that I've ever received.. ever, in my bedroom. (That's a lot, btw).

I've been brainstorming creative ways to organize this instead of just trashing it. I've been going through letters and reading them all. I've started cutting out the phrases and lines that were meaningful to me and putting them in a box. I'm trying to stick to positive and loving statements, not "i'm sorry" or other negative parts.

Anyways, so I'm taking these clip outs and putting them in a shoe box that I emptied out. Since I have many pictures, I also have many frames. I've emptied them all out and I decided that rather than trash these clippings that have meant so much to me at times, that I would turn it into matting for my frames. I'm painting my room two shades of yellow (because I love a yellow room) and I'm going to do a square of yellow paint in the middle with all the black frames.  It's really simple, so I'm going to add a burnt sienna or green (not sure) stenciling in the middle.

I am really excited about this, because I'm a romantic, and I love the idea of always being able to see what people who love me have written to me. I think it will help me heal, to remember the positives in my relationships instead of the negatives, and it's also going to look super cool. 

Reading through the letters is also helping me see some of my shortcomings in various relationships (not just love, but also friendship, and family stuff). I can see that I have some habits that need to be worked on, and have realized others that, before I began this project, I didn't know that I had.

Once I finish this, I'll come up with something creative to do with my pictures, if you have any ideas, let me know :)

2011 is looking to be a very reflective year for me. 

Trial run

I was given a press release from an actual event and had 45 minutes to write a story from it, edit it, and produce a news article. I thought I'd share, I think it turned out okay, but I haven't had it edited yet, so we'll see how that goes.

CITY_011211_EDGAR_KK

Kayla Kearns

Daily Egyptian

Head:  Former governer Edgar ‘outraged’ by Illinois’ deficit

Illinois faces a budget deficit that could reach $15 billion this year. Jim Edgar, former Illinois Gov., gave a speech about the state’s financial situation in the Student Center Tuesday night.

Edgar was the last governor elect to leave the state without deficit, he was also the last governor not convicted of corruption.

Edgar, a Republican, was elected governor in 1990 and re-elected in 1994. He now works with the Institute of Government and Public Affairs at the University of Illinois, according to IGPA’s website. He also served as Illinois secretary of state for 10 years, according to the website.

David Yepsen, director of the Paul Simon Public Policy Institute, said it was good to get the former governor’s insight into the state’s financial crisis.

Democratic lawmakers pushed an income tax increase through the legislature earlier Tuesday. It would raise the state’s personal income tax 66 percent. The tax rate would go from 3 percent to 5 percent if Gov. Pat Quinn signs the bill into law. Quinn has supported a tax increase.

Edgar said it was an “outrage” that the state’s leaders had allowed the situation to get so bad.

“The state of Illinois faces the worst fiscal crisis in its history,” Edgar said in his speech. “Depending on how you slice the numbers, Illinois’ financial state is the worst, second-worst, or third-worst in the nation.”

Edgar said that the Republican party is not without fault for the financial deficit.

“The free-spending days of George Ryan set the stage for this problem. The administration of Governor Blagojevich made things exponentially worse,” he said.

Lt. Gov. Sheila Simon, a former SIUC law professor, said she admired Edgar. “Jim Edgar was a leader for the whole state, not just his party. He combined fiscal conservatism with concern for education and other social issues.”

“He is absolutely correct when he says the situation is outrageous. I think he played down the effects o the recession of the state, but overall I think he was on target,” she said.

“Governor Quinn and I intend to turn this around,” Simon added. “We are focused on improving the quality of life for everyone in this great state. We will get the state’s payments up to date, improve the public education, and make sure the social safety net does not disappear.”

In response to a question from audience member Laura Teagarden, of Carbondale, Edgar said he thought southern Illinois’ coal mines were unlikely to make a comeback.

“Coal from the West is much cleaner, and coal from other areas can be mined so much more efficiently. I think the economic future of this region lies elsewhere,” he added.

Rep. Mike Bost, R-Murphysboro, who voted against the tax increase, was among those who attended the speech.

“I see no indication that Speaker Madigan or President Cullerton have any intention of doing anything besides raising taxes. There is no serious plan to cut spending.”

Edgar said the tax increase, which is supposed to be temporary, might by a necessary but would not begin to bring in more revenue for months. In the meantime, he said, it was likely the state would look to borrow money to pay its bills.

“Borrow and spend; it’s an old tune we all know by heart,” he said. “The harsh fiscal reality might well be that we have no choice but to raise taxes and borrow money to pay our bills, but the way we got into this mess deserves examination.”

Quinn, a Democrat, who served as lieutenant governor until Blagojevich was impeached and removed from office, tried to get a tax increase through the legislature previously, but could not get support from his own party.

Yepsen said polls have shown voters are willing to pay higher taxes to solve the problem.

“Polls have shown the voters are willing to pay higher taxes to solve the problem,” he said. “What they’re not willing to do, though, is pay higher taxes and have the situation stay the same. They want to see progress.”

Yepsen said incumbent legislators enjoy a great advantage in Illinois elections. “They can safely assume they will be re-elected barring unforeseen circumstances or events. But no one likes to say, ‘Hey, I raised your taxes. Vote for me.’”

First day of training

Today has been good for me. I am starting training "boot camp" at the Daily Egyptian, and I've been promoted to the city desk as an associate editor. I was nervous when I first left from my house. I had my lunch, my backpack (complete with my laptop and voice recorder, various writing utensils and paper.), coffee and red grape juice. When I'm alone and I get nervous I listen to a variety of burned and mixed CDs that I have at my disposal.

So, on the way to work today, I listened to The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. I have been listening to it in the car for about a week now, so it's almost memorized. When I'm nervous, the screaming sort of snaps me out of it, because (in my head) these artists are expressing something deep that can't be sung about in a simple matter. These lyrics hold a meaning so intense that they literally have to scream it or it won't be properly expressed.

So, anyways, the album is “Don’t You Fake It” and Google tells me that it was released in 2006. I recognized “Face Down” because it was super popular. There are other songs that  struck me, so as I’m reading through these I’m going to paste some. These lyrics all remind me of different circumstances and different people.

“I remember a year ago I was standing in the crowd
waiting for my chance to break through, my chance to live again.”

“I'm reaching out here to show you what we've been through
I think there's something we can share, that's completely new
or maybe I'm just insane.”

“Take time to contemplate who you are and where you want to go.”

“I can't seem to understand it how you turned out to be so cold
You tried but were caught red handed, are you happy with your role?
It's funny to me how you've turned into such a joke.”

“A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect
every action in this world will bear a consequence.”

“Beat but I'm not broken
Guide me through with your hand
Lead with your words spoken
Show me how to listen.”

“Am I supposed to be happy?
With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
You said, you said that you would die for me.
You must live for me too'.
For me too, yeah, yeah.
You said that you would die for me.“



“Return to days when you knew you still felt alive
Reveal the way you felt when you could look inside
They've sold you
everything you need to fix you up
and you feel good now but you can't wake up
they found a way to reassure you
that everything would be okay
reach out today now I implore you
to remember who you are.”

“There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you'll let it burn
There's a scream in your voice
And I hope you will be heard
There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you'll let it burn
Until you're heard, you're heard”

“Point of rhythm is to follow it in time
To listen to the beating in your mind
Remember if you seek then you shall find”

“Once there was a time when we could learn
all the simple pleasantries a follower should yearn.
now all that I can do is watch them burn
and wish that I could save them all, or just one.”

“Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one.”

“Don't take what's in front of me,
open eyes can see I have everything
Tell you, don't take what's in front of me,
tell you, don't take what's in me.”

Week One

I'm not going to try and defend myself that much, because I don't really feel that I'm doing a good thing. I listen to my family and friends and they say "Good! You are doing the right thing" I have to stay busy and occupied with everything in the world I can come up with, but at night it catches up to me and I can't sleep. I feel horrible and there's no one to blame but myself. It seems like I have to choose between stressed and sad.

I have completely re-organized, and re-arranged, my room, I'm paint shopping, I made a shelf scarf, a found a window pane and treated it and turned it into wall art. I colored my hair, then I bleached highlights into it, then dyed those highlights dark purple and red. I have purchased all my books, I've been cooking, I have had no phone because mine bit the dust when I changed my number. I haven't been online because I don't really like getting on here anymore knowing that I won't have things to read about. I feel bad for trying to figure out what you are up to, because "this is what I wanted" (says my friend in which I confide). Maybe I changed my mind, this is harder than I thought, but I can't, because things wouldn't be the same, and I don't  know that I'd want them to be, but I do miss you.

So maybe it's the "right thing" but I really don't feel "good" about it.

New Year.

This change, my days, haven't come easy.
This transition sometimes makes me queasy.
A new number really does change everything.
Instead of my phone going off, there's nothing.

Nothing.
Nothing.
Is that what you wanted?

Instead of giving me space you pushed, you shoved, and you pushed.
When I didn't listen and jump at your words, it brought out your worst.
I hope this is what you hoped for, you didn't expect to be rushed.
You shoved me too far, hurt me too much, so this is what you deserve.