Thursday, January 13, 2011

Tired

Day three of training, all the excitement and adrenaline of writing is starting to catch up with me. That and a series of bad dreams last night, along with the week before of not being able to sleep at all, are trying to kick my butt. It's the most lonely feeling ever when you can't sleep. You look around and your friends and family are having no problem. I get up, walk around, and nobody notices. If I wasn't sad before, I always end up being extremely depressed after letting my mind run, unoccupied, for hours on end like that.

Last night I had a series of bad dreams where I was abandoned, broken up with, hated, called boring and unimportant. All things that I worry about on a day to day basis. I am terrified of losing people without preparation. It's always easier for me to be the one who is leaving, who is cutting off communication, etc, because I'm controlling my own pain. At that point, I have no one but myself to blame for it, and I blame myself plenty.

I hide myself in work and projects, school being included in this. I'm comfortable there. I'm less comfortable when there is physical contact with people, and that's a fear aspect, which derives from past relationships (dating and non). I don't want to let someone in like that, because I'm afraid they'll hurt me, which inevitably happens, because we're human. I know that people are human, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to forgive without holding an emotional/physical grudge.

I have to get over this, or I'm never going to be happy, overall. That's not to say that I'm not pleased with people, or that I'm not proud of my friends and family, even though I don't or can't speak to them for some reason or another. This is my depression speaking, which is the sad part, because it makes people feel bad to see me write this way, even though it isn't anyone's fault but my own.

This really isn't helping me much today, the more I write the more upset I get. I'm going to space out and read legislation like the super boring person I am.

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