"You know, I never intended on living in Carbondale. I was going to get my degree, leave here and do something real with my life. Then I got a job. My job allowed me to help people, which I loved doing, and then my entire outlook changed." - Don Monty
I just interviewed Mr. Monty and his outlook on things interested me. He talked about change, and how people don't like it, and it's not always fun, but it's always necessary for progression.
I always try to look at my life, and while some of my moves have been due to running, my last move wasn't. I really didn't feel "right," and that's the best way I know how to put it. Ever since I was young I felt like I needed to do more. That I wouldn't necessarily live in the same place, and I loved to travel and experience new things.
I think that some people are meant to be temporary, and in my life so far, I've been a temporary person. I typically have shown up when someone was in need of change, I helped facilitate their need, but then I left. Most of the time there was drama involved, but later on both parties were able to see the value in the lessons they both learned.
My first move (3 months)
I gained tolerance, which was something I was desperately lacking when I left Harrisburg in 2006. When I came back after a few months I was able to communicate better with some, but I still had a long way to go.
I entered into a serious relationship and became engaged which lead to..
My second move (seven months) I thought it was for love, but it was for re-instilling self confidence that I had lost. This time I had a roommate who was my best friend. My insecurities became entirely exposed and self destructed both my friendship and my engagement within the first couple months. I had my first full time job, and later I became a youth minister.
When I came back late in 2007 I intended on going back to school and to make amends with the trailblazing I had done in my personal relationships in 2006. I stayed for awhile, started dating again and some of my old problems started rearing their heads. Instead of trying to solve my problems I ended by relationship and jumped into another one. I ended up becoming engaged for a second time, which ended sourly. To say I didn't respond well is the understatement of the century; I left at the beginning of 2009.
My third move (14 months) The first 10 months I continued to struggle and grieve. I had to learn to pick myself back up, to be able to operate as a single entity, and to move on with my life. Although I was involved in a relationship the last 4 months, that helped me realize I was worth trying to change, but was not strong enough to last through the changing process. I learned so much about myself during this move. I met many people who had a huge impact on my life; whether the situation was positive or negative. There is always a lesson, there's always something to take away from an interaction.
I don't hold on to hatred
I don't feel the need to lose my sobriety.
If I don't understand you, I ask questions.
If something upsets me, I confront it, I don't ignore it.
I try to inspire people to reach their true potential.
I work hard to be an emotionally stable person.
I work hard to be reliable and trustworthy.
Now with that being said, I'm not perfect. I'd love to be perfect, it'd be awesome, but I'm not. It upsets me when I fail at my list. I feel like I've failed people, which makes me feel like I'm a bad person. I can say that I've struggled with being naive to situations, that I trusted too far in certain situations, and I have messed up many times. I've owned up to it, many long and painful conversation, which has taught me another lesson.
Honesty is the absolute best policy.
It's something I can't stress enough, especially this week. It's been rough, what I'm most upset about is that it was something I'd already addressed, we were making progress. So when it was brought up again, I had to re-live it again. I had to re-question myself and my character, so my blogs are sort of reflective of that. I was angry, which sped up the process. I was upset that it had to come to that. As horrible as this past week has been, I wouldn't trade it. As bad as I feel now, this won't last forever, and everyone involved will grow in some way.
Until then, there will be more hard talks, and a lot of re-hashing of the same conversations. I can get back up, this isn't the worst thing that has ever happened in my history by a long shot. It's mild, actually.
No comments:
Post a Comment