I'm not going to try and defend myself that much, because I don't really feel that I'm doing a good thing. I listen to my family and friends and they say "Good! You are doing the right thing" I have to stay busy and occupied with everything in the world I can come up with, but at night it catches up to me and I can't sleep. I feel horrible and there's no one to blame but myself. It seems like I have to choose between stressed and sad.
I have completely re-organized, and re-arranged, my room, I'm paint shopping, I made a shelf scarf, a found a window pane and treated it and turned it into wall art. I colored my hair, then I bleached highlights into it, then dyed those highlights dark purple and red. I have purchased all my books, I've been cooking, I have had no phone because mine bit the dust when I changed my number. I haven't been online because I don't really like getting on here anymore knowing that I won't have things to read about. I feel bad for trying to figure out what you are up to, because "this is what I wanted" (says my friend in which I confide). Maybe I changed my mind, this is harder than I thought, but I can't, because things wouldn't be the same, and I don't know that I'd want them to be, but I do miss you.
So maybe it's the "right thing" but I really don't feel "good" about it.
You are doing the right thing even if you don't feel good about it. When you care about someone for a long time it is hard to stop caring, but it is healthier, most likely. If you so and so was in a better place than maybe things would be different but so and so isn't, and YOU are!
ReplyDeleteI just feel really overwhelmed most of the time. Especially with training week and school starting Tuesday. I'm terrified I'm going to mess everything up and be a disappointment to my family. It was hard when I came back here because everyone remembered me the way I was when I left.. strung out, and the emotional roller coaster icon. I noticed people being very careful with their wording (family friends and old friends especially) when they'd ask how I'd been.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying so hard to be better than that and all I can think about sometimes is using again. It's really scary that I'm clean, but still so addicted to that numb feeling; it's terrifying actually.