In one of my favorite movies, "Somewhere In Time," Elise describes love in these words.
"The man of my dreams has almost faded now. The one I have created in my mind. The sort of man each woman dreams of, in the deepest and most secret reaches of her heart. I can almost see him now before me. What would I say to him if he were really here?
Forgive me. I have never known this feeling. I have lived without it all my life. Is it any wonder, then, I failed to recognize you? You, who brought it to me for the first time. Is there any way I can tell you how my life have changed? Any way at all to let you know what sweetness you have given me? There is so much to say... I cannot find the words. Except for these: I love you."
These words pack so much meaning to me. Everytime I watch it I find myself in tears, longing for a sense of the same emotion she is conveying to Richard in this scene.
I long for a "classic movie romance," I think every girl does. Why else do we plan every detail of our romantic lifes before we experience anything? I also think that classic movies don't portray what having the ellusive perfect relationship entails. The fight that is involved in keeping it, and the giving of oneself.
For being a romantic, I'm scared of romance. Due to being hurt in the past and trying to protect my heart from the pain that is heart break. It confuses me that the one thing that I want so desperately is the one thing I'm afraid of.
Over the weekend I had a lot of contemplative time, tears shed, and path choices needing to be made. A "Y" in my road, of sorts. I can choose to be scared and never move on from my past, or I can let it alter my thoughts, causing the runaway bride effect.
I don't want to be a runaway bride, I've been there and it's a horrible feeling. I'm tired of being scared, I'm ready to trust again. I have something, someone, worth fighting for and fight I will. I've made mistakes, everyone does, and I realize that I'm not perfect. But just because I'm flawed, doesn't mean I can't be perfect for someone.
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I can say right now, with total confidence, that I have never trusted anyone as much as I trust Adam. It doesn't matter what we're talking about.. he may not always agree, but he's always supportive. We don't get to see each other as much as we'd like to, and sometimes we're awkward. But there isn't anyone else I'd rather share stomach grumbles and popcorn with during Ninja Warrior. I am able to be vulnerable with him in a way that is both honest and healing. We understand each other, sometimes that's great, but we can work through the times that aren't. I couldn't ask for someone more understanding and comforting.
I'm ready to trust him out loud the way that I have privately for so long.
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