The piece that doesn't fit (2008)

It's happening again, deja vu. A normal day, a pain, a doctor's visit, an unsolved answer, some drugs, still more pain, a tumor?

Why? Why did it have to be that? Why can't I win? I'm not sad, I'm angry. So mad at this growth for detaining me. I can't do what I want to do because these growths are cramping my nerve endings and limiting my mobility. I feel like I'm a small child again, I can't reach things, I can't drive, I can't dress myself quickly. It takes twice as long to do anything I need to do because I can't use my right arm.

Last year, same thing. Two tumors, they grew, had to be removed. Lost mobility for a couple weeks and it was okay. I swore I'd never put myself through another surgery. No way are they taking part of my body away from me again. That's part of my feminity. Part of what my society claims to be extremely important in proving "how woman I am,"  I'm not going there. I have enough issues dealing with the scar I have from the last go around, much less having another. 

I'm angry at people who have never experienced something like this trying to tell me it won't matter. They've never been in a bathing suit and someone asks about the scar. They've never had a friend bring up that they can see the scar and it's the first time they'd had a "good look at it."

It's also just as bad when people pretend that they don't see it, or they don't notice it. That it's all in my head. Should I really take that as a compliment? Really? I want to scream, I want to hit things. I want to take tumors, cysts, cancers, fear and misery by the throat and choke the life out of it all. I hate these feelings, I hate these thoughts; but as much as I'm trying to fight them, here they are.

I'm scared out of my mind; so scared that I'm numb. I've been praying and I don't feel anything. People hug me and I take it, but I'm not emotionally there. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be around people. I know I'm never alone, Christ is always there, but I don't feel it. I feel like I've been stood up; let down, even. I know I shouldn't feel this way, I've tried being the positive person but I can't even stand myself right now.

Right now, life is the puzzle and my "Extra pieces" aren't fitting in.