Forgiveness (2013).

I have always been pretty good at telling others about the importance of forgiveness, unaware it is something I have not been able to do myself. I gave my life to Jesus at a very young age and proceeded to fall away from my faith during my college years, but recently had a turnaround experience in my life.

I still have problems with forgiving myself for the way I used to live, and for the not-so-great life my family and friends suffered through because of my ways.

Change has been a slow process, I discovered I had control in almost every aspect of my life but how to express my affection appropriately. While it’s definitely not where it used to be, it’s not what it could be, either.

My life completely changed when I started praying and asking God if I would ever meet someone who loved Jesus and could help lead me in the ways of the Lord. Two weeks later I met Ryan, who became my boyfriend and is now my fiancé. Ryan, the man who believes in the saving power of Jesus Christ; my answered prayer.

Early in our relationship he was asked to lead a public theater ministry at his church. He took this on and much of our life was focused around being led by God to minister to the public, and to the kids we worked with, through theater. He on stage, me behind-the-scenes, which I preferred.

While I’ve never doubted my feelings for him or see that we’ve been called together, I did doubt that I could ever overcome the temptation to give in to ways of my past. I was worried I would march us directly toward the path of destruction and not realize it until it was too late. I would get so angry and frustrated, worrying over what-ifs so much that it hurt us from time to time. Eventually I was able to be up front. Sometimes it was messy and emotional, but altogether it was healing. We weren’t perfect, sometimes we faltered, but we always took it to God and found healing.

Life has a way of surprising you; unexpected change, like financial trouble can really take a toll on the emotions of a man who is desperately trying to be a good provider. I tried my hardest to be supportive, to empathize and show tenderness throughout the process. As emotions were high and stress piled on, it seemed harder and harder for me not to try to connect with him more, so we did.

Sin has consequences, mine were more emotional. As much as sin is confusing and guilt rendering- it’s great in the moment, which is why we go back over and over. I forgot that I needed to communicate with God and Ryan and talk about things because I was caught up in these moments, or lack thereof. I worried if it didn’t happen that something was wrong, I was worried if it did happen that something would go wrong. I worried and worried myself over every little aspect of our relationship.

I came to the realization that I was no longer living out the life of a leader’s partner, someone who is a good influence to those around me. I also realized I wasn’t really helping Ryan much, either. I prayed to God, “Please hear my heart. Know that I want to please you, but I don’t know how. I’m a mess right now. I want to be good.”

This led to a discovery which would change my life forever. I am pregnant; 8 weeks 5 days today, and we are engaged to be married in March.

My plans, my fears, my life as I knew it formerly changed in an instant. In a moment my focus shifted to thoughts that plagued me. I was scared to tell my family, I was scared that his family would lose the respect they had gained for me. I feared going to church and facing the fellow members I had grown to love.

I remember crying and crying during a few services, I didn’t think I was allowed to be excited or that I deserved to be happy. I prayed for forgiveness and continued to suffer through my belittling thoughts.

“No one will look at you the same. You are a complete sham.”

“If you had only….. this wouldn’t have happened and everyone would be less stressed.”

I remember sitting in my car during lunch and I cried out, “God! I can forgive everyone for anything they do to me, but I can’t forgive myself. How do I let this go? How do I really lean on you?”    

In that moment of pure desperation a thought came to me.

“You have stopped evaluating yourself from a human point of view… I know you messed up, you guys all mess up sometimes. But what if instead of carrying guilt over something you cannot change, you choose today to receive what I offer freely- cleansing.”

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Psalm 103:11-12

I’m nothing if not stubborn, Ryan can tell you that with certainty. I found myself thinking, “yes, I’m forgiven, but let’s get practical.. there are going to be consequences and this is one of them.”

Then another thought came to me, one that was completely foreign, but made things a lot more clear.

I needed to start looking back at my thoughts and emotional reactions over the past week. I needed to see that something needed to change. I needed to figure out how it might be possible to change my attitude in a way that reflected true Christianity; someone who lets go of their past, who refuses to carry the shame and guilt any longer.

I needed to look at it realistically.

I can’t pay back everyone that has been impacted by my sin, but I can apologize and own up to my own mistakes.

I can’t blame everyone else for action or inaction that led me to sin, that shows a lack of grace and forgiveness which leaves you in an emotional rut (and angry, a lot). Instead, I should own up to the things that caused my personal failures. I should be able to admit that they led me away from God’s plan, and I should remove the temptation. Even if it is something that other people can participate in without fault, if it can harm my family, it should be non-negotiable.

The kicker, for me, was the realization that if I kept hurting myself emotionally for all of my past mistakes I would show my child, by example, that once you fall you can never get up. Instead, I should let my little one know that I was lost, but Jesus took that and made it beautiful in a way that only He can do. This is one of the easiest ways to show your children what grace looks like, first hand.

I need to get over the fact that God is more powerful than I am. I need to give up the control issues and realize that nothing I do myself can remove my sin, that only He is strong enough to.

I acknowledged my sin to You;
And my iniquity I did not hide;
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord”
And You forgave the guilt of my sin.
Selah
Psalm 32:5

Remorse is a beautiful thing, but it is only a stepping stone. I need to continue to walk toward a grace-filled and free life, praying for my child and my fiancé, living a new life in front of them filled with hope and optimism as they see God in my actions and my words.

The Choice. (2011)

How much does He love us?

So much.

Enough to die,
To fight for us
To take the fall

But most all, he gave us freedom

Freedom to turn our lives around
Freedom to fall and run into walls
Freedom to make mistakes, to learn

Or not.

He gave us the freedom to choose.

Can you imagine someone saying, "I let my innocent son die tragically after being tortured for you, but you don't have to love me?"

Of course we can't.
Of course we take that for granted.

When we as Christians, or wanna be Christians run into trouble from our past, we can only hope and pray that those who are immediately impacted will see past our sin and see who we are trying to be.

We can only speak our sorrow, ask for forgiveness, and hand the situation over to God to handle.

Unfortunately sometimes as Christians we have to back off and let God do His thing. It is never fun knowing we aren't the superheroes we lead ourselves to believe we are.

I can only imagine Jesus being ridiculed in his final hours, thinking, "I don't wanna be the one to say goodbye, but I will. 'Cause in the future, you're gonna come back around."

It's hard to see people turn their backs on you, but just imagine the pain God felt watching his son. Actually, he couldn't bear the sight, the ultimate sacrifice.

Sometimes the only way to really know God's strength is to let go of what holds you back from seeking out.

Maybe it's losing someone you've cared about for a long time. Maybe it's losing a lot of people you thought had your best interest at heart.

We may be saying, "I don't wanna be the first to let it go." But we need to teach our hearts to say, "But I know, if you, my God, have the last hands that I want to hold. Then I know I've got to let them go."

It is one of the hardest things I've had to do. I've had nights where I cried and ached for people, where just one more of anything would cure all my wrongs. It's a really weak and humbling place to be.

But my promise is to do my best to wash away everything, each and every day until God comes home to collect me.

Seasons & Society

Soft, gentle, without a cause.
I run toward a light that moves.
Pain like this gives me pause.
I failed a lesson I thought I knew.

In my past I've struggled to speak. So God has called me to express. Satan tries every way to show me that I'm weak.

Not safe.

Trapped within a wall. I let this affect me, my lack of faith.

Kind words are lost on today's society. More and more people are hurt by the absence of kindness and love in our churches. Our lack of forgiveness speaks volumes more than our false praises.

It dries a heart that was ones filled with love for others.

Where does it lead? To dust and dust alone; the grave.

Caring for one another has been put aside. It is replaced with anger and deceit. Our words say, "violence is the only answer." It opens painful doors which should be kept shut and closes doors that should be open to opportunity.

We all have walls built up. Our most challenging task is to reveal ourselves, flaws and all, so one by one, the bricks will fall.

Society tells us our wall keeps us safe from the world outside. The choice is who to let in and who to keep out.

So many people so little trust; yet each has a spiritual gift; each we are called to love. We live our lives with opened eyes closed mouths.

All we can see is a fading life, from color to grey, not black or white. Slowly but surely life fades away, home is where I’m headed; don't waste today.

Friendships

I was reading an article earlier on friendships and relationships and how some people struggle with anxiety and depression, especially during Christmas and the holiday season.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. What you want to do, is try to figure out which category your friend fits into. When you do, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. You are experiencing some sort of difficulty and they are there to assist you, to provide you with guidance and support. Reason friends are able to help you physically, emotionally or spiritually, depending on your need. For those of religious beliefs, they may be considered a miracle, or a godsend. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Reason friends are only meant to be temporary. They will, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Whether this be death, or an argument in which one of you walks away. They may disrupt your comfort level by forcing you to take a stand.

What we must remember is that our need has been met, our desire has been fulfilled and their work is done. Your question has been answered, and now it is time to move on.

Now some people come into your life for a season, because in certain times in life we are required to share, grow or learn. Friends will often come into your life and bring you peace or make you laugh. They may educate you in things you have never done before, and they usually leave you with a feeling of happiness and joy. It isn’t fake, it’s real, but it is only temporary - for a season.

These are people that later on will become acquaintances. When you meet in passing later on, you’ll smile and wave, possibly make small talk and catch up for a few minutes.

Lifetime relationships teach you lessons that will impact you forever. These relationships are very special, and are things you must build upon. These relationships are the hardest, but, when successful, leave you with a solid emotional foundation. Your responsibility is to accept the lesson, love the person, and utilize all of the other lessons that reason and seasonal friends have taught you.

Ropes. (2011)

My elephant cycle

I read about a man who was in Africa. I'm not sure if it was leisure or work, but it isn't relevant.

What is relevant were the elephants he saw. Huge elephants being transported in a group from one place to another by a trainer.

The elephants were bound by a small rope tied around their leg. These huge elephants, large & majestic creatures, could have easily broken free from these flimsy constraints. But they did not.

The man was confused by this, so he asked the trainer, "why do these beautiful animals just stand there when they could so easily break away?"

The trainer said, "well, when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them, and at that age, it's enough to hold them.  As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never  try to break free." The man was amazed. These animals could break free at any moment from their bonds, but because they believed they couldn't, they were stuck right where they were. The powerful and gigantic creature has limited its present abilities by the limitations of its past.

Like the elephant, how many of us go through life holding onto a belief that we cannot do something, simply because we failed at it once before? How many of us refuse to attempt something new and challenging  because of our so called mindset?

Your attempt may fail, but never fail to make an attempt. Choose not to accept the false boundaries and limitations created by the past.